Lost

I kind of had a break-down yesterday by myself. And this post isn’t for pity, or for anything really. I just need to express how I’m feeling, which is mostly lost, and lonely.
I’m supposed to be going to UNI next year, but at this current moment, I don’t know where, or what I’m studying. I was really late in applications last year, and didn’t know what I wanted to do really. I still don’t know what I want to do. But the only thing I am certain of is that I’m going to Adelaide. I got into ‘Bachelor of International Tourism’ at Flinders, but I’m going to reapply for a different or same course at University of Adelaide, because it’s actually situated in the city. Also, I don’t know whether I want to go to UNI for the right reasons. I hear from people that UNI does shit all for you in the future, so why the hell am I trying so hard to make it? Honestly, I think I just want to go for the people, the parties, to just get away from this frickin’ town with an unbelievable amount of judgment and losers. There’s only a few people that are actually worth hanging around, but too many incest relationships between friends, ex-interests, ex-boyfriends, the works! We all need to start fresh. I would like to just once like to kiss a boy who hasn’t kissed/fucked everyone else I know. 
And also, with this whole youth allowance shit, I have to support myself through the whole of UNI, with no help from the government. And since I kind of fucked around, and didn’t get a proper job til 2 months ago, I am now working 2 and a half jobs. I’m still working at Gloria Jean’s, although if I don’t get enough hours, then I might have to quit, and find a better day job. I’m also working at the footy, either in the canteen or selling tickets at the gate during weekends. It’s fairly chill, and I’m making 20 bucks an hour, cash, which is the money I am using to spend freely (mostly on alcohol, credit, food and clothes). My other job is working at this restaurant. I’m the lady who greets people, and takes their orders, like the face of the restaurant, I guess. It started off pretty well; I consider myself good with people, so it was fun to interact with the regulars, take orders and call out their table numbers over the microphone (Yes, I was basically a bingo lady). But now, fake smiling to people all the god damn time is exhausting, and causing my mouth to form some crazy cheek muscles, if that is ever possible. I actually shouldn’t be complaining so much. I get paid 15 on normal nights, 20 on Saturdays, and almost 30 bucks on Sundays, which is awesome considering last Thursday I read almost 10 chapters from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, because the restaurant was so dead. And now I have buzzers to hand to people, so I don’t have to listen to myself over the speakers. It makes me cringe. You know what I mean, when you listen to a recording of your own voice. It makes you feel lame, and you always ask ‘Do I actually sound like that?’ Why, yes, unfortunately, you do.
So basically, I don’t really have time to do anything. Since I’m working Wednesday through to Sunday nights at the restaurant, the weekend nights are really annoying for me, for when I want to go out and rage. I’m a person who takes like at least an hour to get fully dressed, and properly ready, and I fucking despised being rushed. Well now, I’m rushing every single weekend until next year, when I move off to Adelaide. This sucks. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince comes out tomorrow, and I have to frickin’ wait til Saturday morning to see it ALONE, where these stupid people who don’t even read the fucking books, get to see it opening night. I hate my life.
I’m just really stressed out right now. With working so much, the early mornings at Gloria Jeans, and also waking up earlier than that to turn on the hot water so have a good shower, no support from the government to survive at UNI, and not knowing what I want to do with my life!... I just feel like I’m not going to make it. Like as soon as I get to UNI, I’ll keep fucking up, worse than what I was doing in high school, and won’t be able to change my attitude towards anything. I thought I would have it figured out by now. I was taking this year off to earn money for youth allowance, and figuring out what course, or what I want a career in. I am not any closer to figuring it out yet.
I just want some normalcy; I want the pressure to stop. I just want it all figured out, and stop waiting for next year to arrive, because I’m so in the dark right now with what awaits me, and it’s causing me to fall apart.