Lost

I kind of had a break-down yesterday by myself. And this post isn’t for pity, or for anything really. I just need to express how I’m feeling, which is mostly lost, and lonely.
I’m supposed to be going to UNI next year, but at this current moment, I don’t know where, or what I’m studying. I was really late in applications last year, and didn’t know what I wanted to do really. I still don’t know what I want to do. But the only thing I am certain of is that I’m going to Adelaide. I got into ‘Bachelor of International Tourism’ at Flinders, but I’m going to reapply for a different or same course at University of Adelaide, because it’s actually situated in the city. Also, I don’t know whether I want to go to UNI for the right reasons. I hear from people that UNI does shit all for you in the future, so why the hell am I trying so hard to make it? Honestly, I think I just want to go for the people, the parties, to just get away from this frickin’ town with an unbelievable amount of judgment and losers. There’s only a few people that are actually worth hanging around, but too many incest relationships between friends, ex-interests, ex-boyfriends, the works! We all need to start fresh. I would like to just once like to kiss a boy who hasn’t kissed/fucked everyone else I know. 
And also, with this whole youth allowance shit, I have to support myself through the whole of UNI, with no help from the government. And since I kind of fucked around, and didn’t get a proper job til 2 months ago, I am now working 2 and a half jobs. I’m still working at Gloria Jean’s, although if I don’t get enough hours, then I might have to quit, and find a better day job. I’m also working at the footy, either in the canteen or selling tickets at the gate during weekends. It’s fairly chill, and I’m making 20 bucks an hour, cash, which is the money I am using to spend freely (mostly on alcohol, credit, food and clothes). My other job is working at this restaurant. I’m the lady who greets people, and takes their orders, like the face of the restaurant, I guess. It started off pretty well; I consider myself good with people, so it was fun to interact with the regulars, take orders and call out their table numbers over the microphone (Yes, I was basically a bingo lady). But now, fake smiling to people all the god damn time is exhausting, and causing my mouth to form some crazy cheek muscles, if that is ever possible. I actually shouldn’t be complaining so much. I get paid 15 on normal nights, 20 on Saturdays, and almost 30 bucks on Sundays, which is awesome considering last Thursday I read almost 10 chapters from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, because the restaurant was so dead. And now I have buzzers to hand to people, so I don’t have to listen to myself over the speakers. It makes me cringe. You know what I mean, when you listen to a recording of your own voice. It makes you feel lame, and you always ask ‘Do I actually sound like that?’ Why, yes, unfortunately, you do.
So basically, I don’t really have time to do anything. Since I’m working Wednesday through to Sunday nights at the restaurant, the weekend nights are really annoying for me, for when I want to go out and rage. I’m a person who takes like at least an hour to get fully dressed, and properly ready, and I fucking despised being rushed. Well now, I’m rushing every single weekend until next year, when I move off to Adelaide. This sucks. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince comes out tomorrow, and I have to frickin’ wait til Saturday morning to see it ALONE, where these stupid people who don’t even read the fucking books, get to see it opening night. I hate my life.
I’m just really stressed out right now. With working so much, the early mornings at Gloria Jeans, and also waking up earlier than that to turn on the hot water so have a good shower, no support from the government to survive at UNI, and not knowing what I want to do with my life!... I just feel like I’m not going to make it. Like as soon as I get to UNI, I’ll keep fucking up, worse than what I was doing in high school, and won’t be able to change my attitude towards anything. I thought I would have it figured out by now. I was taking this year off to earn money for youth allowance, and figuring out what course, or what I want a career in. I am not any closer to figuring it out yet.
I just want some normalcy; I want the pressure to stop. I just want it all figured out, and stop waiting for next year to arrive, because I’m so in the dark right now with what awaits me, and it’s causing me to fall apart.

The Yellow Waste Bin.

Well, my weekend was a bit of a crazy one. Here's a spoiler: 

Sunday morning, me throwing up in a yellow waste bin, in the Woolworths carpark.

There was this Black&White 'Back to School' theme party on the weekend. By the way, who on earth thinks it's a good idea to mix two classic themes together? Like seriously? First I thought it was either one or the other, but no. The person who hosted the party thought these two themes like mixed together naturally. Well, they were way wrong. I didn't want to look like a penguin, I wanted to look like a school girl. Also, said person is still innn school. Why the hell were they having a 'Back to School' party? Unless, they were thinking about going back, as in going back on Monday morning? Hmmm...? That's the end of my complaints.

So we dressed up with the 'Back to School' theme, me, feeling like a bit of a whore, and somehow ended up getting massively drunk. So drunk, that I sat in a chair in the corner of the party area, throwing up all night. Massively unfun. Don't really remember much, except for being tackled on the floor and one point, dancing a bit like a maniac, and quoting Grease, but a couple hours later, I was being carried like a drunken princess to the taxi with my friends.

I had work the next morning at 8:30ish, so I slept for a couple hours, before getting up again and realising that I had lost my phone and I was also extremely hung over. After I had a shower, I ended up lying down on my floor/leaning on my heater, Keanu, because I couldn't stand to do anything. It took me about an hour to put on some pants.

By some miracle, I got to work on time, but still very hungover. While I was serving one costumer, my head started spinning, I started to sweat, and got immediate goosebumps - definitely the sign of I'm-about-to-throw-up-in-a-couple-seconds-so-get-me-to-a-toilet-STAT. So, I ran out the back door of my work place, with no time to make it to the bathroom, and threw up in those huge massive yellow waste bins. It was disgusting. I'm very lucky nobody saw me... Well, at least I don't think so.

The waste bin looked a bit like this. Yeah, I like went through the trouble of finding a picture of one on the net. But, I'm basically advertising. Check out all the neat facts about them. ^^^ An optional dolly base that allows easy mobility? Well, that's just grand, ain't it?

I left work early, saying I had food poisoning, or some stupid fake reason like that. But unfortunately somehow they found out that it was self-inflicted, and I got told off the next day. I swear they have spies or something at Gloria Jean's. They know everythingggg.

So, here's the moral to this story: No more drinking, ever. Or until this coming weekend, whatever comes first I guess.

Also, I finished watching the Nearly Famous finale. Now, I can't get it out of my head. It's one of those endings that is like 'NOOOO! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!?', and it's still making me seriously upset. I like sobbed like a 12-year old girl when I watched it.

Oh, and about my phone. I was stressing because the taxi people give it to the police for lost property, and when I rang up, they told me nothing was handed in after the weekend, so I assumed someone had earnt themselves a new phone, so that sucked. But then, later Sunday night, the taxi driver called me, and said he found it!! So he fully came to my house, and gave it back to me. What a friggin' legend, right?!

Songs to loveeeee:

Kaki King - Pull Me Out Alive

Anberlin - Love Song

Bloc Party - Blue Light

Bon Iver - Skinny Love

Kings of Leon - Taper Jean Girl

Taking Back Sunday - Lost and Found

I Want YOU.

Ever since I went to the Take Action! Tour, where WhereWolves, Stealing O'Neal, Set Your Goals and All Time Low played (which was fucking awesome by the way), I haven't been able to get 'Umbrella' or 'Six Feet Under The Stars' out of my head. Something else I haven't been able to get out of my head, is this gorgeous man:

Alex Gaskarth

Please come back into my life. 

The World Fucking Hates Me.

The world fucking hates me. I don't know what I have done that is so bad lately, or in a previous life, but the world is totally out to screw with me, because a thousand non-coincidental things have happened to me today. Why me?

I went out to Finke on the weekend, and as punishment for having a fun time, the world decided to give me the flu. It wasn't even that bad to begin with. It felt like it was going away yesterday, then BAM! this morning I felt like I was on my fucking deathbed or something. Basically coughing up my lungs, breathing through my mouth (because I couldn't breathe through my nose, which is something I really hate, because when you're breathing through your mouth the whole night, you wake up with the SOREST THROAT OF YOUR LIFE! the next morning.) Totally bogus, right? 

A couple hours ago I thought I was getting a headache, which sort of freaked me out, because one of the symptoms of swine flu is a headache. But this ache was coming further back and to the left side of my head... from my fucking ear. Yeah, I had a fucking ear ache. Something I have never had in my entire life. So now when I cough, sneeze or blow my nose, my ear is in unbelieveable pain. Funnnn.

You know how when you're sick, you're weak and everything hurts? Well my back really hurts, and my neck feels like I slept with it in the wrong position all night, so I'm unable to to turn it to the left without it feeling like knives are being driven through the back of spine. Also super-fun.

Well, since I've been sick I've basically been lying in the loungeroom watching Avatar and One Tree Hill all day, and Mommy Dearest comes in and starts abusing me because I'm running up the electricity bill. What the fuck else do you expect me to do? Run a marathon? Plant some fucking trees? I'm sick for Christ's sake; there's not much else I can do. 

But the world is still not done with inflicting misery and pain on me. It decided to use my gender against me, and give me the fucking cramps. What the fucking fuck? And then, out of fucking nowhere my nose begins to bleed. I have a fucking. blood. nose.

So I get up out of lounge, my back and neck in pain, my ear aching, my cramps feeling like they're ripping out my insides, and blood pooling in my hands. (Yeah, it's a pretty image right?) 

My god, the world fucking hates me.

 

All Time Low

I'm seeing these guys, 4th June. I'M SO FRICKIN' EXCITED!

I Fucking Love Hotcakes!

You know how birthdays suck? Like major suckage occurs. Well, it always happens to me. On my 12 birthday, I was in grade 7, and since I was a big loser, nobody called me to wish me 'Happy Birthday'. On my 13th birthday, I'm pretty certain I had a massive fight with like my whole family, so basically cried for the entire day. Turning 14, I was starting my Grade 9 Endeavour Camp. It didn't feel very special. Who wants to be dirty and walking through prickles and spiky spinifex on their birthday? ...Well, not me. My 15th birthday was one of the better ones. I was in Canada on Grade 10 exchange. Everyone sang to me in the dining hall, and we had this birthday gathering in my boarding house. In Grade 11, I carried around balloons around with me all day for 'The Biggest Morning Tea', but other than that, nothing else oozed awesomeness. Turning 17 in Grade 12 was better. Besides getting in a stupid fight with Mum at lunch, I had a really good night. But then a bit of drama occurred later, so the night went a bit downhill from there. But my most recent birthday, the 24th of May, 2009. My 18th - God! It was the best birthday I've had yet.

I'm in Brisbane at the moment, staying with my sister, so on my birthday day, me, Cardine and Kiara went to West End to have brunch. Brunch is something I love - more than most people. And also something I've wanted badly to have on my birthday. Too bad the restaraunt basically forgot about us, and we ended up waiting an hour and a half to eat while my stomach was growling like a pack of hungry wolves. But finally we got our massive brunches, with some complimentary coffee and champagne for the now-legal birthday girl.

After brunch, Cardine and Kiara left me to go find me a birthday sash, while I hung out with my ex-boyfriend-boyfriend-ex-boyfriend-boyfriend-ex-boyfriend-now-new-just-friend. (We won't go into that... Let's just say, it's 3 1/2 years of complicated.) That night, me and Kiara went over to Cardine's to get ready, and pre-drink at her apartment, with her and her roomie, Angie. Kiara and Cardine couldn't find me a birthday sash in the city, so they used their very artistic skills in making one for me in the end!


Finally, we took a cab to the Normanby. I got shouted a few free drinks from randoms, as well as Cardine buying me a shot of QUETILA! We danced a lot, ran around, and then me, Angie, Cardine and Brendan (one of Angie's boys), decided to leave to go to the Family, while Kiara caught a cab home.
The Family is the funnest club in the Valley, but on Sunday nights - IT'S GAY NIGHT. I've never had so much fun. Seriously. Downstairs, there's like a stage at the front of the club, and then on the dancefloor, there's little podiums all around, where people can jump on and break it downnnn! I'd be dancing on stage most of the night with a few gay guys, and then jump on the podiums and point at people to come dance with me. 'You! you! and you! COME DANCE WITH ME!!'


I'm guessing it would have been 5ish in the morning, we ended up leaving the Family, with a group of awesome gay guys, and we all went to MACCAS for some awesome breakfast. Charlie (my favourite gay), and me kept singing that song from Bring It On. I love him. After, we walked through the mall, (me and Cardine barefoot, because I had KILLER heels, and 'My balls hurt!' a lot.) Only got to sleep at Cardine's after 6am. BEST BIRTHDAY EVER.


Best Birthday Quotes:
- 'Tights as pants!'
- 'Make a face like you just saw the CARE BEARS!'
- 'Am I boring you?'
- 'My balls hurt!'
- 'I just gotta say this, I just gotta say this... I fucking LOVE hotcakes!'
- 'No Alberto... No.'
- 'OH MY GOD. We all have hair ties!'
- (When some boy went to kiss Cardine at the Family) 'I thought you were gay!'


and now... Songs from the Newly-Wise:
The Gifthorse - Distance
Phantom Planet - Do The Panic
Brand New - Jesus Christ
The All-American Rejects - Time Stands Still
Sia - Breathe Me
Death Cab For Cutie - I Will Possess Your Heart
Gotye - Hearts A Mess
Set Your Goals - The Fallen

Going...

I'm going to Brisbane in a couple hours. Catch up, ha!